Today has been difficult. To begin, I didn’t sleep well last night. Throughout the night, the Mason Jars in my room kept popping their tabs. I don’t know why they do that when they aren’t sealed anyway but I must say it is terribly annoying, especially when I am trying to sleep. When I finally did get to sleep, I had a horrible nightmare about my husband being in an accident. When I woke from the dream I heard my oldest daughter crying and found her sitting on the floor with an injured foot. I had to tend to her first so it took me a while to be able to check on my husband. Thankfully he was fine and getting ready to head home from work. It was 5:30am and I was feeling very emotional.
I don’t know if it was something I ate, the lack of Pepsi, financial issues, or my horrible female cycle but I felt awful. I cried off and on all day. I kept thinking to myself, “Why am I doing all of this? What is the point? It isn’t going to help with the important issues like family, having a roof over our head, utilities, food, and my work.” I was starting to doubt my will power and felt the overwhelming urge to give up on everything. I know I struggle with Bipolar and Agoraphobia, I always have. Maybe that was part of the emotional thing today. I hadn’t planned on this being so difficult or me feeling guilty if I had a day where I didn’t stick to every single change.
I had a full glass of flat Pepsi at 5:30am. It didn’t curb the urge to drink Pepsi all day. My anxiety was extremely high and even though I went out and had a cigarette I didn’t feel like anything helped. I still needed that Pepsi. I figured I would probably go back to 3 glasses of Pepsi for the day. I did have my 2 Tbsp. of Apple Cider Vinegar around 6:30am, along with a bottle of spring water. At 7am, for breakfast, I went light with about 13 green grapes and a banana. I originally thought I would have a bowl of cereal (Cinnamon Toast Crunch) but I didn’t want the extra sugar. I was hoping I would feel better after breakfast and seeing my husband face to face, but I still felt sad and anxious. My chest felt tight, my heart was racing, I was sweating, and all I wanted to do was cry. I didn’t even know why I wanted to cry. Around 9am, I decided to go back to bed for a little while. I thought maybe I just needed to sleep but that didn’t help either.
At 11am, I was back up and decided to stay up. I still didn’t feel good. I grabbed a bottle of spring water and went to the patio. I stayed out there for quite a while. The temperature was like Spring and the air smelled so fresh after a light rain. It was nice but I still didn’t feel any better. I still felt like crying, in fact, I did cry off and on for no real reason.
I am 45 years old and was told when I was 42 that I was pre-menopausal. My cycles are not normal, I will have a cycle for 2 or 3 months then not have one for 2 or 3 months. I have been on this cycle since November 13, 2016 and it has been horrible for the past few days. Today, I feel miserable. Doctors are really no help to me, they never have been helpful because they always blame everything on my weight or my smoking but don’t offer help with either. I don’t usually feel emotional throughout the entire cycle process but I do have days where it gets overwhelming. Today was one of those days.
At noon, I had my second dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and drank a full bottle of spring water. Then around 1pm, I had lunch. I took a piece of leftover meatloaf and divided it in half to put on some bread with a little mayo for a sandwich and had a small serving of cottage cheese with pepper. It was a nice lunch but 30 minutes after I finished eating I felt like I was going to explode from being so full. Note to self, only one slice of bread for my sandwich next time.
After lunch, I did 4 laps in the hallway. I thought the walking might help me digest some of the lunch a little better. I was uncomfortable being that full. It helped a little but I still felt a lot of pressure. It wasn’t a gassy feeling or just bloating, I felt like I had eaten way too much. I think the extra water helps me feel more full and I am positive that the Apple Cider Vinegar also suppresses appetite even though I didn’t see that in any of my research.
Oh, another bonus is that my cold only lasted one day after I started the vinegar. My girls were both sick with the cold for about a week before I started getting it and I had it only a day or two before I started the vinegar. My oldest daughter was sick with her cold until the day before yesterday when she started the vinegar and now her cold seems to have vanished. I am seeing some amazing benefits with this vinegar.
Around 4pm, I had a banana as a snack because I knew supper would be late and I didn’t want to eat something unhealthy. I felt full after lunch but I really wanted a snack. I noticed that when I am stressed I reach for the Pepsi and if I don’t have that I reach for a snack. Usually, I snack on salty things such as popcorn, chips, cheese and crackers. I don’t really eat many sweets. I like chocolate candy on occasion and a warm chocolate chip cookie fresh from the oven is a weakness but most of the time I don’t eat a lot of sweets or desserts. I am not a cake person and I rarely eat pies or donuts. I love apple and peach cobbler but a little goes a long way. I will have a scoop of ice cream about 2 or 3 times per year. I like French Vanilla Bean ice cream with a little caramel and bacon crumbles on top.
I had my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar at 5pm with a bottle of spring water. I also had one piece of my chocolate candy that my daughter bought for me the other day. It tasted so sweet it was almost sickening. I decided one was more than enough for the day. Supper was a little late, around 7:30pm because we had a lot of prep work to do and it took an hour to bake in the oven. I had a chicken breast stuffed with a blend of ricotta cheese, cream cheese, spinach, rosemary, scallions, garlic, and cheddar cheese that was left over from the lasagna we made on Saturday. We topped the chicken with the left over marinara sauce we used for that lasagna, as well. As a side, I had a serving spoon of loaded cauliflower with cheese, bacon bits, rosemary, green pepper, garlic, scallions, dill, and 1 tsp. of sour cream. I was only able to finish half of the food I had on my plate and gave the rest to my husband. I was stuffed. I did have a glass of Pepsi with my supper.
I had an appointment at 8pm and then decided to opt out of walking the laps this evening because my cycle was so heavy. I just didn’t feel comfortable with walking much. I did, however, walk to my bedroom at the end of the hallway several times throughout the evening. After that, I spent some extra time writing and working on some paperwork. I had another glass of Pepsi around midnight while working on my paperwork. I went to bed at 3:30am.
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