Starting Over

Since January 18th, 2017, a lot has happened. I thought that I was on a path to better health and a happy life but my life took some turns. I had no idea when I began this journey that I would later find out that over half of my life I have been living in a world of lies. These lies were gradually revealed to me in the recent months. I always believed in forgiveness and that love could conquer anything but I know now that the truth in my life is that the love was a lie. My self-esteem was already low, now I am lost.

The past few months, I have been busy trying to make a living, manage a household, help my disabled daughter manage her life and apartment, rebuild my marriage, and be a friend to as many as I possibly could, and all the while maintain my faith. Funny, life has a way of yanking the rug from beneath your feet when you least expect it and this time I didn't just stumble, I fell.

So, as sad as my story may be, I am here to apologize to anyone that may have been reading for starting yet another thing that I didn't finish. I got so lost in my depression and trying to keep up with day to day living, that I stopped caring for me. I took care of the house, the bills, the kids, my husband, my work, my friends and everything I thought it was my responsibility to take care of, and now I know there was no point. I have discovered that I alone cannot fix what is broken in my home.

Today, I am starting over. I am not doing anything that doesn't fit me or my beliefs. I still intend to get healthy but I am no longer putting limits on myself. I am tired of being trapped in a world of limits, ultimatums, and lies. The truth is, nothing is what it seems and I cannot depend on anyone but me for my happiness. Love is not something I need from someone else, it is something I need to find in myself.

I won't promise to write each day because sometimes life gets in the way, but I will be writing about my journey and remembering that it is not only my physical self that needs healing. Instead, I will focus on my journey of mind, body, and spirit.

Day Eighteen Wednesday, January 18, 2017

I decided that I want to spice up my blog a little. It seems so boring to keep writing what I have done and what I have eaten. I cannot imagine doing that for another 11 1/2 months. I don't know what I will be adding but I am sure over time it will grow and change. Of course, I am still going to include what I have been doing and tracking my weight since that was the original point of this blog. I just feel like it needs to have something more.

I started the day off early and made it a point to hold off on my Pepsi for a little bit. I drank a little tea. I also had my morning dose of Apple Cider Vinegar followed by a glass of tap water. I didn't feel hungry this morning so I didn't eat any breakfast. I did a little writing and then had my 12oz. can of Pepsi. After writing for a little while I went downstairs and sat with my mom in the garage. I didn't stay down there very long because my dog cannot stand for me to be out of his sight. He kept barking and since my husband had worked all night I didn't want the dog to keep him awake. I was feeling so tired that I went back to bed at 9:30am and slept until 11:00am. I still felt tired but since I had appointments I had to get up.

For lunch, I started with my dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and a bottle of spring water. Then, I had pan seared pork chops and seasoned green beans.

I took a nap in the recliner again this afternoon. I don't know why I am feeling so sleepy today. I thought if I had another Pepsi that it would help wake me up but it didn't work. I just feel exhausted. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and it wasn't real cold. I even spent a little time out on my patio. On top of feeling tired, my knees and back are hurting today. I am sure it means we have some rain coming soon. I always feel this way when the weather gets wonky. I didn't do any laps in the hallway today but since I am already hurting I thought it might be best to skip it for today.

I had my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar right before supper. Tonight I ate a bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup and 10 Club crackers. It was so good that I took a little extra broth after finishing my bowl of soup. The soup was made with chicken breast, carrots, onion, celery, broccoli, green pepper, rosemary, basil, garlic, smoked paprika, cayenne pepper, turmeric, dry mustard powder, chicken stock, and a touch of salt & pepper.

I did have another 12oz. can of Pepsi after supper. My hubby did replenish my spring water supply. I didn't drink as much water today but I spent a lot of time sleeping. I am hoping tomorrow I will feel better. I have several appointments. I am really hoping this sleepiness passes. I want to have enough energy to work on setting up my hubby's man cave and work-out space in the garage. It's nice to see him excited about working out in his space. I think I am going to head to bed early tonight in the hopes that I will feel more rested tomorrow. I do know my dreams the past two days have been very active and vivid, maybe that is why I am feeling so tired.

Day Seventeen Tuesday, January 17, 2017

It's hard to believe it is already the middle of January. I must admit I am looking forward to Spring. I love sitting out on my patio in the morning and listening to the birds sing, watching the squirrels and rabbits run through the yard, and seeing the flowers starting to bloom. It is amazing how life renews itself and constantly reminds us that there is always something new coming. It is supposed to be warmer tomorrow afternoon than it is today so maybe I can spend a little time outside.

This morning I started the day with a trip outside with the dog and a 12oz. can of Pepsi. My mom came upstairs, she said she wanted the fresh air and she was tired of being cooped up downstairs. I understand but I wasn't happy about her climbing the stairs. Our stairs are very steep. I don't want to see her push herself. I want her to take her time and heal. I pray she heals quickly because I don't want to see her suffer the pain but I really don't want her to risk any new or permanent damage. I chose not to eat breakfast today. I know I am supposed to be eating 3 times a day, at least, but I have a hard time with that since my schedule is so weird most of the time. Not to mention, I am just not hungry most mornings. I did get my morning dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and two bottles of spring water.

I had an appointment at noon. I was running a bit behind but that kept me busy until about 2pm today. After my appointment I had my second dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and finished another bottle of spring water. For lunch, I had a small bowl of split pea and lentil soup. I also enjoyed a serving spoon of fried potatoes seasoned with bacon, green pepper, scallions, salt, pepper, and Mrs. Dash. This wonderful meal would not have been complete without two of my daughters amazing cornbread muffins. I had tap water with lunch, definitely not my favorite. It always leaves a metal taste in my mouth. I don't like purified water either, it always leaves me feeling like I drank too much the night before and I have cotton-mouth. After lunch, I went downstairs for a little while to visit with my mother. I didn't want her climbing the stairs again and I know it must be hard to stay down there by herself all the time.

For the evening, my daughter made some sweet tea since I was out of spring water. Bless her heart, she helps me so much. She really is a great kid and so sensitive. I had a couple of glasses of tea throughout the evening but I wanted to avoid drinking too much tea since it was sweetened. I had my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar around 8pm. I had been busy with writing and some appointments so we opted to have a late supper. My oldest daughter, had a class to attend so she was going to be late and we figured it would be best to wait and eat together. We like to eat as a family. In fact, most of the time we eat as a family at the kitchen table. For supper, I had a serving of cottage cheese. I was still feeling pretty full from lunch. I really did eat too much during lunch.

I was feeling so full that I decided it would be a good idea to do a few laps in the hallway. I didn't know if I would be able to do my usual set of 4 down and back laps but I was determined to give it a shot. Since I haven't done them in a couple of days I was afraid that I might not be able to do them now. My oldest stood at the end of the hallway and talked to me the entire time I was pacing. It didn't phase her a bit that I was pacing. I think it is great that they don't even question what I am doing, they just act like it is the normal routine. After my walk, I did a bit more writing and then took the dog out again. Most of the time my girls take turns letting the dog out but I figure that any walking is helpful, even the short distance to the patio.

Around 10pm, I went downstairs to visit mom and do some weight lifting. I am really looking forward to getting that garage all set up so we can do some real workouts with the weights but for now I am limited to the chair anyway. I have started with light weights and plan to gradually lift more. For now I do two sets of 10 with 5lb. weights in several different positions. I know the weight is minimal but when you have barely done any physical exercise, you can feel it working. I definitely don't want to do too much and get frustrated or hurt myself. I know that would make me quit. Small steps, baby steps, are best for me to keep me on this path. So far, I feel I am okay with the way things are progressing. There are days that it is harder than other days but I don't want to rush any of this and I really want lasting results.

I decided to watch a little television after my workout and everyone was headed to bed. As usual, the snack attack hit midway through the movie so I had a few sour cream and onion potato chips. I think I had about 10 chips before I decided they were just too salty for me and opted to drink a 12oz can of Pepsi. At first, I thought that it was my third Pepsi for the day but then I realized by the number that we had left that I had only had one earlier in the day. Could it be that despite all the stresses of every day life, I am finally getting used to drinking more water and less Pepsi? I hope, I am not going to risk anything at this point. I definitely want to maintain the routine a while longer before I try to cut back again. Too much too fast could lead to failure. I have to keep reminding myself not to sabotage myself or the process.

Day Sixteen Monday, January 16, 2017

Today I started the day with exercise, a trip down and back up the stairs. It's crazy, I was sound asleep and thought I heard someone and a bunch of stuff fall down the stairs or in the basement. Instantly, I jumped up out of bed, got dressed and rushed to the stairs to check on my mom. When she didn't answer I was afraid she was hurt too bad to answer. I was so thankful when I got to the bottom of the stairs and she was sound asleep. I turned around and headed back of the stairs, something I could not have done a month ago. For me, that was an amazing thing. When I got back upstairs, I got my Pepsi, and took the dog outside to do his business. While I was sitting on the patio, enjoying my Pepsi and my cigarette, I realized that I had went down the stairs and back up with barely any effort, pure adrenaline. It's amazing what we can do when we aren't focused on the obstacles. I also realized that despite the fact that I physically hurt, when it comes to my family, I would do everything in my power to take care and protect them.

I didn't have breakfast, other than that 12oz. can of Pepsi, but I did take my morning dose of Apple Cider Vinegar. I ended up waiting for about an hour or so for my mother to be making a little noise in the basement before I went down to visit with her. I took a bottle of spring water down with me since I planned on staying down there for a little while. When I told her about coming down there I told her I was sorry for being so paranoid but at least she could know she was loved. I would imagine at this point she probably thinks I am totally crazy. I don't want to bother her but I worry about her being down there by herself and us not being able to hear her if she needs us. She has a phone but what if it is out of reach?

After my visit with my mother I drank another bottle of spring water and took another dose of Apple Cider Vinegar. I spent a little time writing and talking to my husband while he was making the burgers. For lunch, I had two small cheeseburgers with lettuce, tomato, and onion. I also had a small serving of cottage cheese seasoned with Mrs. Dash, which seems to be my latest favorite. My hubby made the burgers and I didn't want to hurt his feelings but two burgers was way too much for me and my plan. I drank spring water with my lunch.

After lunch, I went back down to the basement to spend some time with my mom. I didn't stay down there very long, I figured my mom might need a little rest and I should spend a little time with my husband before he had to go to work. After my hubby went to work I decided I needed to take a little nap in the recliner, since I planned it, I didn't get to sleep at all. I was a little irritable throughout the day due to some financial stresses and other family problems so I decided this was going to be a 3 day, meaning today I was having my 3 12oz. cans of Pepsi that I had allowed myself. I don't really know what triggered me to feel the need for the extra Pepsi, I have been doing well to only drink 2 a day. I ended up back downstairs with my mom after trying to rest unsuccessfully for 2 hours. Fortunately, my mom was able to rest a little during that time.


For supper, I had a bowl of ramen noodles and a bottle of spring water. I have been drinking a lot of water. I hadn't really thought about the amount of liquid I take in every day but it is very noticeable when I am writing about it. I have also realized that I am learning a lot about myself and my self-esteem issues while working to meet these objectives. After supper, I went down to spend time with my mom again and this time my youngest daughter joined us. While we were down there I decided to work out with the weights a little. I just worked on my arms a little. It wasn't an official exercise session but I feel it is a good place to start. I would like to continue to work that in a little at a time as I progress. After my exercise session, I decided to have that third 12oz can of Pepsi and a few chips while watching television. I made it a point to only have one serving of chips. I cannot take the bag to the chair or I will eat without thinking and may end up with half the bag.

Day Fifteen Sunday, January 15, 2017

Well, we finally got our ice storm and it really wasn't bad. We were blessed to just catch the edge of the storm so I am thankful. I started the morning off with my usual 12oz. can of Pepsi but I when I finished it I still felt like I wanted I a Pepsi. I also started the morning with a headache. After drinking my pop, I took my dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and headed to the garage to smoke with my mother. I definitely did not want her climbing those stairs today but I also didn't want her to feel secluded. It's hard to believe it has been almost a year since Grandma passed and mom came to live in the basement.

Around 2pm I took my second dose of Apple Cider Vinegar right before lunch. I had a small pan seared pork chop, a small spoonful of chicken flavored rice topped with broccoli in cream of chicken soup and a 1/2 cup serving of cottage cheese with seasoning on top. I had spring water with lunch and about 3oz of Cherry Pepsi right after lunch in the hopes it would help with my headache and the craving for more Pepsi. I don't know why it was so bad today. Having the Cherry Pepsi did seem to help the headache and ease the craving a little.

I decided to make my "poor mans soup" for supper. This soup was made with a left over pork chop cut into small pieces, split peas, lentils, barley, a little bacon grease, diced celery, a small onion, diced carrots, minced garlic, diced broccoli, rosemary, basil, dill, turmeric, mustard seed, cayenne pepper, smoked salt, smoked paprika, black pepper, chicken stock, and about 2Tbsp. of butter. It looks really nasty but it tastes really good. We decided that next time we make it we will have to make some corn bread too. After prepping all of the vegetables and getting the soup put on the stove I went back down to the garage to spend some time with my mom. While I was down there I found a few things in the garage I had been looking for but couldn't find over the last year.

Supper was ready around 6pm and I took my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar just before dishing up the bowls. I had one bowl and 7 saltine crackers. For some reason I had it in my head that 7 of them was a serving but I later discovered that 5 was a serving so I had a little more than a serving. I don't feel that the crackers are going to hurt my progress much. However, after supper, my hubby and my youngest went to McDonald's and brought back dessert. I had a small ice cream sundae and I have to admit it was really yummy. We all gathered in the garage with our dessert so we could eat with my mom. It's funny, since we have lived in this house I don't think we have ever spent this much time in the basement and we never thought we would gather in the garage for dessert.

After dessert, we spent some extra time playing around with my hubby's weight set. He was trying to teach me the proper way to use the hand weights to build muscle in my arms, etc. It was funny because when he was doing curls, he made it look so easy. Then, he handed them to me and I couldn't hardly pick them up. My youngest daughter was able to lift them fairly easily. I can't believe how much she has grown. It is nice to see all of the family coming together and working toward a healthier lifestyle. I have to admit, that is one of my biggest motivators to continue.

After our time in the basement, I sat down in the recliner and crashed. I didn't even know I was tired but maybe it was all the stair climbing I have been doing. When I woke up I got a 12oz can of Pepsi and headed to the basement for one last time for the evening. Again, we spent time playing with the weights. My mom even did a little lifting, as well. To be perfectly honest, it wasn't my usual workout or diet plan but it sure was a wonderful day.

Day Fourteen Saturday, January 14, 2017

I slept until 11am, so again, no breakfast. I started with a 12oz. can of Pepsi. Then, I had a dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and a 16.9oz. bottle of spring water. After my Pepsi my mom reminded me that it was weigh-in day. I really didn't want to see how much weight I had gained. I knew it was weigh-in day but I was trying to avoid it, especially after a full can of Pepsi. Every negative thought that could go through my head went through my head but I knew I had to step on those scales. My heart was pounding, I started to sweat, and I held my breath as I stepped up for my results. It felt like the longest moment of my life. As the total was read to me I continued to hold my breath releasing a sigh of relief when I heard the total 350.4lbs. I couldn't believe it, I had lost 4.5lbs. It was a miracle. After getting the results I am more motivated than ever to continue working to meet my objectives.

For lunch, I had left over taco meat on 10 corn tortilla chips with lettuce, tomato, cheese, black olives, onion, jalapenos, sour cream, and taco sauce. It was delicious and very filling. I drank spring water with my lunch and then did my 4 laps in the hallway. The weather was supposed to be really bad with ice storms and cold temperatures. We definitely had the cold but no ice storm. I figured since we were all home and planning on staying home this would be a good time to work on cleaning out the garage to set up the hubby's man cave. My girls were not happy about that plan but we did manage to get some work done down there. Between going through boxes, moving things, and sending my oldest to her room with boxes for her to pack in, we managed to get quite a bit done. We still didn't get it all done, though.

Around 5pm I took my dose of Apple Cider Vinegar, I really do love the results I am seeing from this stuff. For supper, I had a pan seared pork chop, a serving spoon of broccoli with cream of chicken soup over a serving spoon of chicken flavored rice, a serving spoon portion of gingered carrots, and 2Tbsp. of cottage cheese with Mrs. Dash seasoning on top. I drank spring water with my supper. Supper was very filling and I really felt that when I had finished, even though everything tasted amazing, I should have eaten a little lighter. I don't know why I didn't stop myself.

I opted out of doing the second set of laps today since I had been up and down the stairs a couple of times throughout the day. Those stairs are so hard for me but it felt good to be able to make it up and down without hurting too bad. I am worried about my mother tonight, she twisted her knee and seems to be in a lot of pain. Of course, she is refusing to go to the doctor so there isn't much I can do but I did insist that she stay downstairs for a while. I told her we would bring her down some food and set her up a space to smoke in the garage so she wouldn't be so tempted to climb the stairs. She is so stubborn, I suppose that is probably where I get my stubbornness.

I waited until about 10pm to have my second 12oz. can of Pepsi. While we were busy it didn't really seem to bother me that I didn't have a Pepsi, but I did have a bottle of water with me the majority of the time. I decided that I don't want to have Pepsi with my meals because if I want to cut it out completely I don't want to feel like it is missing each time I eat a meal. Late to bed again tonight so I will probably be sleeping in again tomorrow.

Day Thirteen Friday, January 13, 2017

Friday the 13th... hmmm! Today has been a rollercoaster. This morning I started with a Pepsi, as usual, and then switched to my spring water. I had a meeting by phone scheduled for 9:30am and another immediately following at 10:00am. Those appointments were awful. It was one bad thing after another. I was ready to give up and turn to the Pepsi but I managed to find things that distracted me. I grabbed another bottle of water, talked to my mom for a while, and spent time writing. I knew I might have to work later in the afternoon so I needed to pull myself together but I was feeling horrible. I felt defeated, by everything. I started questioning whether any of this is worth it or if I was just wasting my time and torturing myself for nothing. After a while, the craving passed but it seemed that every second of the day was filled with one disappointment or problem after another. It wasn't bad luck just daily living. I go through these same emotions every year after these meetings. It's a very familiar feeling but knowing that doesn't necessarily help in the moment. I did have my morning dose of Apple Cider Vinegar just before the first meeting.

At noon, I took my second dose of Apple Cider Vinegar. For lunch, I had a little cottage cheese sprinkled with Mrs. Dash and another bottle of spring water. I have to admit, I really enjoyed the cottage cheese. It was light, cool, and flavorful. The cottage cheese was very filling. After lunch, I walked my 4 laps in the hallway. I thought about trying 5 laps but decided not to push it since I was still a little sore. The whole point of all of this is to be able to walk and not end up in a wheelchair. I don't want to take a chance of causing further damage to my knees.

Later in the afternoon, I asked my husband to pick up the stuff at the store to make tacos at home. I have been wanting them for a couple of days. I told myself when I made this plan that I wasn't going to deny myself things that I wanted because I didn't want to end up sabotaging myself. I promised myself that I could have everything I enjoyed in moderation. While he was shopping I took a short nap in the recliner. After crying off and on all day, I had a headache so I thought a little nap could be helpful. I snuggled in under my new throw blanket and I was out in a matter of minutes so I must have needed to rest. Funny how my body always seems to know what is best, too bad most of the time I don't pay attention. While I was sleeping I had a nightmare. I have been having a lot of those this week. I don't know if that is a side effect of cutting back on the Pepsi or if it is just because I don't feel well. I usually have nightmares when I am sick so maybe I am fighting some sort of an illness.

Before I started eating supper, I took my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar. I love being able to eat tacos and not worry about heartburn. The tacos were amazing but I definitely overdid it. The corn tortilla's were cooked in butter, soft and yummy. We added taco seasoned ground beef and refried beans. I had lettuce, tomatoes, onion, shredded cheddar cheese, black olives, sour cream, taco sauce, and fresh jalapeno's on my tacos. I had a bottle of spring water with supper and by the time I was done with all of it I was thinking I should have stopped halfway. However, it was delicious.

After supper, I did 2 laps in the hallway but my knees were hurting pretty bad. I decided to skip it and just do one set of laps a day for a while. My fear is that if I don't keep up with the exercise I won't lose the weight and then I would give up. Tomorrow we are supposed to weigh-in and I am so afraid it is going to say that I have gained weight. I have been eating so much and some of it was really not good for me, like the corn puff things my mother bought for me that I snacked on while watching television last night and tonight. Most days, I have been trying to snack healthy if I had a snack. Last night and tonight I feel I failed. I know I can't "beat myself up over it" and that "what's done is done." I also know I have to be honest about my mistakes. I am human but I must also hold myself accountable.

At 9:30pm I had my second 12oz. can of Pepsi for the day with those corn puff snacks while watching television with my husband. It was nice to sit with my feet up and relax. I have decided that regardless of what the scales say tomorrow, I have done very well about sticking to the plan. There are times when it will be difficult, when I am out of town or working, but I can do this even if it is a little at a time.

Day Twelve Thursday, January 12, 2017

I started my morning with a cold 12oz. can of Pepsi followed by a bottle of spring water. I walked 4 laps in the hallway before leaving the house but I was hurting so I was moving pretty slow. I think it is the weather that is making me hurt so bad. The weather channel is predicting an ice storm for this weekend. Since the cold air has moved back in I am really sore, especially in my lower back and my ankles. I opted to skip breakfast this morning because I wanted to sleep in a little more before going to the shop. I also had a dose of Apple Cider Vinegar before I left.

I was feeling very nervous about being in public all day without my Pepsi but I took a couple of bottles of water with me instead. It really helps to have the bottle in my hand. I finished an entire bottle of spring water on the way to the shop and asked my husband to go buy some extra because I was afraid I would run out of water and try to turn to Pepsi. For lunch we went to Subway and I had a 6in. Steak & Cheese on Wheat with lettuce, onion, green pepper, black olives, oil, salt & pepper, and parmesan cheese. I also had another bottle of spring water. I didn't bring the Apple Cider Vinegar with me so I decided that today I would just have to miss a dose. I had another bottle of spring water at the shop before finishing up for the evening. Today I have been feeling very thirsty all day.

When I got home from the shop it was 8:00pm and I took another dose of Apple Cider Vinegar while we made supper. I had a 4 inch Philly Steak & Cheese sandwich with seasoned green pepper, onions, and gouda cheese. This time we made them at home. I had spring water with supper. After supper I took some time out for some other things I was working on around the house. I decided to hold off on laps until tomorrow. My feet and ankles were really swollen and my knees and back were hurting pretty pad. I did take 800mg. of Ibuprofen before going to bed.

I am hoping that letting go of the Pepsi gets easier. I have noticed over the last few days that when my stress level goes up or I am feeling anxious I really crave the Pepsi. I know it is probably all in my head but that doesn't make it any easier to get over. I feel so silly when I start getting overwhelmed and emotional. I have to admit, this addiction is worse than some others that I have managed to give up in my life. Several people have said that sugar addiction is one of the toughest to kick. I keep telling myself I can do it but there are times I feel like I am fooling myself.

Day Eleven Wednesday, January 11, 2017

I slept better last night, well, this morning. I feel a lot better today. I woke up around 8am but decided to skip breakfast and get a little more rest. Around 11am, I got up for the day and had a 12oz. can of Pepsi. We did switch the type of Pepsi I am drinking. I am now drinking the Pepsi that is made with real sugar and not high fructose corn syrup. It also has fewer calories and we are buying it in cans so it won’t go flat. I can also simply open the can, pour it into my glass, and know exactly how much I am drinking.

After I finished my Pepsi, I drank a bottle of spring water and took my noon dose of Apple Cider Vinegar. For lunch, I chose to have a serving of cottage cheese with a little pepper sprinkled on top. My mother also gave me a serving of teriyaki noodles she had prepared in her kitchen. I had another bottle of water after finishing my lunch. I also did my 4 laps before going outside for a little relaxation time.

It was a beautiful day today so I spent some extra time out on the patio with my mom. The wind was crazy but the temperature was very mild. It felt like Spring. I am looking forward to being outside a lot this year so Spring cannot arrive fast enough. After being outside for a while my husband and daughters joined us on the patio. It was nice to have everyone sitting together, laughing, and talking. Our dog loved getting out and spending some extra time in the sun, too.

I took my second dose of Apple Cider Vinegar at 5pm and had a bottle of spring water. I really wanted to have another glass of Pepsi but I chose to wait and have it later in the evening. My mom brought up some cookies to share with the family, Red Velvet Oreo's. She gave me 4 of them but I chose to divide them between my daughters. I did have another piece of my candy this afternoon. I really like it but it is so sweet. I cannot handle more than one at a time. Since cutting back on the Pepsi, the taste of salt and sugar in foods I have always enjoyed seems to be amplified. I never realized that Pepsi could change the way foods taste but it really does. I have heard a lot of people say that about smoking but no one ever mentioned that side effect about giving up soft drinks.

For supper, I had a bowl of Roni Soup (macaroni, tomato sauce, evaporated milk, butter, salt, and pepper)with 11 saltine crackers. I drank another bottle of spring water with my supper. I really wanted that Pepsi but decided to wait until later in the evening. I don't want to deny myself the things I love because I am afraid that it will make all of this feel like punishment. I am truly afraid of failing. It is terribly hard to be positive when I am not seeing any real weight loss. I know it is still early in the process and that it is going to be a year long commitment so I am not giving up. My fears are part of the reason I decided to blog about this journey. I know it will help encourage me to continue since others will be able to follow along in the process. I know if I say I am going to do this and put it out for the public to see, I will be more likely to follow through.

After supper, I had my Pepsi. I feel like it was my reward for doing well all day. After drinking my Pepsi I grabbed another bottle of spring water to assure I would not go after another Pepsi. I also took my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar for the day. It's getting close to bedtime now so I am finishing up my writing and going to close this out. I will be headed to bed in a couple of hours so I thought I would have a banana and watch a little television after I do my 4 laps in the hallway.

Tomorrow my routine will be different since I am going to be out of town but I have every intention of maintaining. I know it is going to be hard to travel in the truck, or anywhere for that matter, without a 1 liter of Pepsi in my hand. I am so used to having it with me that it feels strange. Though today has been a good day, I did notice that this journey is going to be tough and I have to be prepared for the difficult times. I am finding it to be enlightening, as well. I am learning a lot about myself, the stuff I have been putting into my body and the effect it has on my body.

Day Ten Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Today has been difficult. To begin, I didn’t sleep well last night. Throughout the night, the Mason Jars in my room kept popping their tabs. I don’t know why they do that when they aren’t sealed anyway but I must say it is terribly annoying, especially when I am trying to sleep. When I finally did get to sleep, I had a horrible nightmare about my husband being in an accident. When I woke from the dream I heard my oldest daughter crying and found her sitting on the floor with an injured foot. I had to tend to her first so it took me a while to be able to check on my husband. Thankfully he was fine and getting ready to head home from work. It was 5:30am and I was feeling very emotional.

I don’t know if it was something I ate, the lack of Pepsi, financial issues, or my horrible female cycle but I felt awful. I cried off and on all day. I kept thinking to myself, “Why am I doing all of this? What is the point? It isn’t going to help with the important issues like family, having a roof over our head, utilities, food, and my work.” I was starting to doubt my will power and felt the overwhelming urge to give up on everything. I know I struggle with Bipolar and Agoraphobia, I always have. Maybe that was part of the emotional thing today. I hadn’t planned on this being so difficult or me feeling guilty if I had a day where I didn’t stick to every single change.

I had a full glass of flat Pepsi at 5:30am. It didn’t curb the urge to drink Pepsi all day. My anxiety was extremely high and even though I went out and had a cigarette I didn’t feel like anything helped. I still needed that Pepsi. I figured I would probably go back to 3 glasses of Pepsi for the day. I did have my 2 Tbsp. of Apple Cider Vinegar around 6:30am, along with a bottle of spring water. At 7am, for breakfast, I went light with about 13 green grapes and a banana. I originally thought I would have a bowl of cereal (Cinnamon Toast Crunch) but I didn’t want the extra sugar. I was hoping I would feel better after breakfast and seeing my husband face to face, but I still felt sad and anxious. My chest felt tight, my heart was racing, I was sweating, and all I wanted to do was cry. I didn’t even know why I wanted to cry. Around 9am, I decided to go back to bed for a little while. I thought maybe I just needed to sleep but that didn’t help either.

At 11am, I was back up and decided to stay up. I still didn’t feel good. I grabbed a bottle of spring water and went to the patio. I stayed out there for quite a while. The temperature was like Spring and the air smelled so fresh after a light rain. It was nice but I still didn’t feel any better. I still felt like crying, in fact, I did cry off and on for no real reason.

I am 45 years old and was told when I was 42 that I was pre-menopausal. My cycles are not normal, I will have a cycle for 2 or 3 months then not have one for 2 or 3 months. I have been on this cycle since November 13, 2016 and it has been horrible for the past few days. Today, I feel miserable. Doctors are really no help to me, they never have been helpful because they always blame everything on my weight or my smoking but don’t offer help with either. I don’t usually feel emotional throughout the entire cycle process but I do have days where it gets overwhelming. Today was one of those days.

At noon, I had my second dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and drank a full bottle of spring water. Then around 1pm, I had lunch. I took a piece of leftover meatloaf and divided it in half to put on some bread with a little mayo for a sandwich and had a small serving of cottage cheese with pepper. It was a nice lunch but 30 minutes after I finished eating I felt like I was going to explode from being so full. Note to self, only one slice of bread for my sandwich next time.

After lunch, I did 4 laps in the hallway. I thought the walking might help me digest some of the lunch a little better. I was uncomfortable being that full. It helped a little but I still felt a lot of pressure. It wasn’t a gassy feeling or just bloating, I felt like I had eaten way too much. I think the extra water helps me feel more full and I am positive that the Apple Cider Vinegar also suppresses appetite even though I didn’t see that in any of my research.

Oh, another bonus is that my cold only lasted one day after I started the vinegar. My girls were both sick with the cold for about a week before I started getting it and I had it only a day or two before I started the vinegar. My oldest daughter was sick with her cold until the day before yesterday when she started the vinegar and now her cold seems to have vanished. I am seeing some amazing benefits with this vinegar.

Around 4pm, I had a banana as a snack because I knew supper would be late and I didn’t want to eat something unhealthy. I felt full after lunch but I really wanted a snack. I noticed that when I am stressed I reach for the Pepsi and if I don’t have that I reach for a snack. Usually, I snack on salty things such as popcorn, chips, cheese and crackers. I don’t really eat many sweets. I like chocolate candy on occasion and a warm chocolate chip cookie fresh from the oven is a weakness but most of the time I don’t eat a lot of sweets or desserts. I am not a cake person and I rarely eat pies or donuts. I love apple and peach cobbler but a little goes a long way. I will have a scoop of ice cream about 2 or 3 times per year. I like French Vanilla Bean ice cream with a little caramel and bacon crumbles on top.

I had my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar at 5pm with a bottle of spring water. I also had one piece of my chocolate candy that my daughter bought for me the other day. It tasted so sweet it was almost sickening. I decided one was more than enough for the day. Supper was a little late, around 7:30pm because we had a lot of prep work to do and it took an hour to bake in the oven. I had a chicken breast stuffed with a blend of ricotta cheese, cream cheese, spinach, rosemary, scallions, garlic, and cheddar cheese that was left over from the lasagna we made on Saturday. We topped the chicken with the left over marinara sauce we used for that lasagna, as well. As a side, I had a serving spoon of loaded cauliflower with cheese, bacon bits, rosemary, green pepper, garlic, scallions, dill, and 1 tsp. of sour cream. I was only able to finish half of the food I had on my plate and gave the rest to my husband. I was stuffed. I did have a glass of Pepsi with my supper.

I had an appointment at 8pm and then decided to opt out of walking the laps this evening because my cycle was so heavy. I just didn’t feel comfortable with walking much. I did, however, walk to my bedroom at the end of the hallway several times throughout the evening. After that, I spent some extra time writing and working on some paperwork. I had another glass of Pepsi around midnight while working on my paperwork. I went to bed at 3:30am.

Day Nine Monday, January, 9, 2017

When I got up today, I headed straight to the kitchen and poured a glass of Pepsi. I had every intention of only drinking a half a glass but without thinking I poured a full glass. It was so natural to pour it to the top. After I realized, what I had done I decided to sip it slowly throughout the day. I drank part of the Pepsi and then switched to water and took my dose of Apple Cider Vinegar.

For breakfast, I had a pear and I felt full. When I was finished with the pear I had to get ready for an appointment with my oldest daughter. I wrote up a list of things we needed to do in town, grabbed a bottle of spring water, and we headed out around 10am. The appointment was scheduled for 10:30am. I felt a little anxiety, as usual, about going out in public. It’s always hard for me to go out with the agoraphobia. Not knowing if I will be able to walk long enough and whether there will be a chair I can fit into, triggers my anxiety more than the idea of the place being crowded.

After the appointment, we went to the store. My daughter decided to buy me a gift of my favorite chocolates. My will was not strong enough to resist and I ate 3 pieces in the truck before asking her to put it in her bag until we got home. I decided not to beat myself up for eating the candy. Instead, I counted it as a special treat.

Of course, when we got home it was time to make lunch. I took another dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and made another salad with shrimp like the one I had yesterday. I drank spring water with my salad. While we were eating, I was talking with my husband and my daughter and realized that my exercises are paying off.

About a month ago, my daughter had an appointment that I had to attend with her at the same place we went today. When we were there the first time, I barely made it into the building. After sitting in the lobby, we had to walk halfway through the building to the office. I had to stop and lean against a wall to catch my breath. My back and knees felt like someone stabbed me and left the knife behind.

Today, we went to the same building, and had to walk to the same area of the building to get to a different office. I walked into the building and went to the lobby to sit. I wasn’t as winded and didn’t hurt as bad as I did at the previous appointment. When it came time to walk to the office I was dreading it but I didn’t have to stop and lean against the wall this time. When we left I even walked out to the parking lot and waited for my husband to move the truck out a little so I could get in without bumping the mirror on the car next to us. There is no way I could have done that last month.

I took my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar at 5pm and drank another bottle of water. I opted for sweet tea with supper since I had already had my limit of Pepsi. For supper, I had a small piece of meatloaf, a serving spoon of roasted potatoes, a spoon of whole kernel sweet corn, and two heaping tablespoons of cottage cheese. The meatloaf was so good that I opted to split another piece with my mom and I had another small spoon of cottage cheese. I walked 4 laps in the hallway and had another 2 bottles of spring water before going to bed for the night.

Day Eight Sunday, January 8, 2017

I slept in a little today since I was out so late last night working. I decided to skip breakfast. I took my morning dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and drank a bottle of spring water. I did 3 laps in the hallway. I made a salad for lunch. This salad was made of lettuce, cucumber, scallions, tomatoes, cheese, Mrs. Dash, tiny shrimp, fresh dill, and 1Tbsp. of blue cheese dressing. The salad was awesome and filling.

I had a half a glass of Pepsi after lunch. I did my 3 laps in the hallway and then went outside for a while. Yesterday, I started to fall out on the patio. I was afraid that it might be hard to do my laps today but it wasn’t difficult at all. In fact, I felt like I could possibly add a lap. I am planning to increase the laps and even add weights into the routine after I get to the point that I feel more comfortable with the pacing. I do not want to make these changes too fast for fear that I will get sore and not want to continue.

At 5pm, I took my second dose of vinegar and drank a bottle of spring water. For supper, I ate a serving spoon of plain white (sticky) rice with a spoon of sesame vegetables and six nugget sized pieces of sunflower chicken. I cooked the chicken in coconut oil with turmeric, smoked paprika, garlic, rosemary, pepper, and sunflower meats. The vegetables (carrots, broccoli, onions, and cabbage) were cooked in sesame oil with garlic, dill, turmeric, ginger, smoked paprika, cayenne, and sesame seeds. I cut the chicken into smaller pieces and blended them with the vegetables and rice. Amazing meal. I had a glass of sweet tea with supper. Since the tea was so sweet my hubby decided to add more tea to the pitcher. I had a second glass of sweet tea after supper and it had less than half the amount of sugar.

Later in the evening, I did 3 laps in the hallway again. I tried to pick up the pace and move quicker in the hallway. I managed to complete the laps but this time I was out of breath by the time I completed the laps. I know that I need to raise my heartrate to lose weight with these exercises but the laps are intended to build strength in my legs and get me moving more than they are for the weight loss portion. Bonus, the extra exercise should aid the weight loss.

A couple of hours before, bed I had the urge to snack so I chose a banana. Then, I watched a movie with my husband until I fell asleep in the recliner. I must work on not snacking while watching a movie. That is going to be a hard habit to break. Especially since I don’t smoke in the house anymore. It makes me happy to think that it has been a week since I have started this process and I haven’t had a lot of negative reactions to being without the Pepsi. I was afraid that I would be horribly irritable the entire time.

Day Seven Saturday, January 7, 2017

I started this day off a little earlier than I had originally planned. I had hoped to sleep in since I knew I was going to be working late into the night. For breakfast, I had an orange after taking my dose of Apple Cider Vinegar. I drank a bottle of spring water with breakfast and then poured a half a glass of Pepsi. I thought that today I would try to drop down to one glass a day since I had been successful with only 2 glasses yesterday.

I did 3 laps after breakfast and my husband said he noticed that over the past 2 days I am moving around easier. I noticed that my feet haven’t been swollen at all this week. I cannot remember the last time I went more than a day or two without swollen feet, ankles, and knees.

I finally weighed myself. To my surprise, I didn’t weigh 375lbs. or more. My actual weight is 355.9lbs. and though I am still entirely too heavy, I feel good about weighing less than what I thought. This weight means that meeting my objective would put me real close to the weight I would like to be again. I know that if I can get that far I know that I can continue and possibly get to my ideal weight of 150lbs. within a few years.

We decided to make Lasagna for lunch. I took my 2Tbsp. of Apple Cider Vinegar and drank a bottle of spring water while preparing the Lasagna. The calories in the lasagna made it a special treat so I made sure to eat a very small portion. It was hard to resist eating more but having team members show up early for our meeting made it a little easier. I felt full but it tasted so good I really wanted to eat more. I had a half a glass of Pepsi with supper and packed spring water to take to work for the evening. I must admit, it feels strange to leave the house with a small bottle of water and no Pepsi. I drank Mt. Dew for about 25 years before switching to Pepsi in 2010. It is definitely going to take some time to get used to this switch.

After the meeting was over I took my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar for the day. My mom decided to start the vinegar regimen, too. She said she wants to lose weight and get healthier, as well. I had another small portion of lasagna for supper before heading out to work. I don’t know if it is my work or these lifestyle changes but I noticed my energy level is higher the last couple of days. It could be that I feel better since I am not having the heartburn and swelling. Either way, I am happy with this side effect.

After work, I had a banana and another bottle of spring water. I didn’t want to go straight to bed after eating the banana so I did some paperwork and then walked in the hallway for 3 laps. Trips to the restroom are very frequent since I am drinking so much water.

Day Six Friday, January 6, 2017

This morning I had my morning dose of Apple Cider Vinegar. I followed it with a bottle of spring water. Then, I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Immediately after breakfast I decided to do my laps. I did 3 laps. I told my husband that I had set the objective to lose 100lbs. but hadn’t weighed myself. He suggested that maybe I should simply focus on the weight I felt I needed to get to instead of setting the 100lbs. objective. I would love to get back down to less than 200lbs. but I must be realistic. I would be happy if I could get down to 250lbs. I know that is more than 100lbs. but if I could get there, that would be amazing.

Around noon, I drank my 2Tbsp. of Apple Cider Vinegar and drank another bottle of spring water. For lunch, I had a salad of lettuce, cucumber, scallions, tomatoes, and cheese with a little blue cheese dressing. I checked the serving size on the dressing and it said 2Tbsp. I didn’t have that much left in the bottle so I figured it was less than a serving and that wouldn’t mess with my objective. I really enjoyed the salad. I added some cans of tiny shrimp to my grocery list because I really like them in a salad and that would be a nice treat.

At 7pm, I had my 2Tbsp. of Apple Cider Vinegar again and drank another bottle of spring water. The plan was to make baked Bar-B-Que chicken for supper. My oldest daughter requested to have the chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and green beans for supper. I changed it a little and made the chicken, mashed potatoes (with the skins on) and gravy, seasoned cauliflower and broccoli, and gingered carrots. I had small portions of each thing for supper and immediately did my laps after we finished eating. Supper was late because I had to go meet a client in his home at 5pm and didn’t get home until almost 7pm.

Normally, Bar-B-Que and mashed potatoes with gravy gives me heartburn, especially if I drink Pepsi during the meal. Tonight, was different, no heartburn or upset stomach. Maybe this Apple Cider Vinegar really is working.

Day Five Thursday, January 5, 2017

It’s Thursday and I have no idea what I am doing but suddenly it seems my hubby and oldest daughter are interested in jumping on board. I am happy to see them motivated but I am hoping that if they get discouraged it doesn’t discourage me. I have been eating more often and limiting my portions of food from the beginning of this journey. I cannot get over how full I feel most of the time. I really must force myself to eat breakfast and lunch. I am doing it but most of the time I don’t feel hungry during these times.

Today I didn’t eat breakfast because I decided I needed a little extra sleep. I did eat lunch but before I ate lunch I took 2Tbsp. of Apple Cider Vinegar. I used the Raw- Unfiltered Organic Apple Cider Vinegar with the ‘Mother’ and it was harder to get past the smell than the taste. I did have a glass of Pepsi to drink with my meal but after the vinegar I decided to save the Pepsi and drink water. Trust me, apple cider vinegar and Pepsi do not taste good together.

After lunch, I did my first set of laps for the day. I did three laps and it felt a little easier than it did yesterday so I decided that doing three for the evening session would be fine. After finishing my laps, I did notice that my heartrate was up and it was difficult to catch my breath but it didn’t take near as long to recover as it has in the past. It does seem to be easier to walk to the bathroom today. I also noticed that I am using the bathroom a lot more since drinking so much water. I may need to begin tracking what I am eating and drinking just so I can be sure to stay on target.

I did limit my portions at meals and cut out snacks completely today. If I do feel the urge to snack I will reach for something healthy first. I am making a grocery list that includes some extra vegetables and fruit. The plan wasn’t to change what I eat except for the amount but I prefer fresh fruits and vegetables anyway. This way cutting out snacks will be a bonus and not feel like a punishment.

After some research, I discovered a bonus to using the Apple Cider Vinegar. It is believed to help with regulating blood pressure, insulin, along with assisting in gradual permanent weight loss. I have now decided to take it before each meal or 3 times a day. I am really hoping that I won’t have heartburn tonight.

Day Four January 4, 2017

I am feeling very tired today. Probably won’t report much. This cold is whipping my “insert curse word.” My girls both had this cold prior to me getting it but wasn’t it nice of them to share? I did have Pepsi this morning but spent most of the day in bed when I didn’t have clients. I ate smaller portions, had 3 meals instead of one, and decided to try apple cider vinegar for the acid reflux. I have no idea if it will work but I will add it to the routine tomorrow. I am trying to get more structured. I do believe I have plenty of time and so far, I am doing really good. I went back to 2 laps since I don’t feel well because of the cold. Only 2 glasses of Pepsi today, that is amazing for me. Hubby said that I was drinking 2 or 3 two liter bottles per day. Most days I drank 2 but if I was stressed out I would go through 3 bottles. I know I shared a lot of my Pepsi with my girls and people that came over so it probably wasn’t really 3 but I do believe it was 1 ½ to 2 bottles a day before starting this plan.

Day Three January 3, 2017

I had to work yesterday but it was just one client and we spent most of the time just talking. Today, I had several clients and my daughter was working with me. I started the day with my glass of Pepsi. I thought the exercise was going to be the hardest part of all of this but that is a piece of cake compared to trying to give up the Pepsi. I feel a little shaky and anxious today but I am sure it will pass. Still have every intention of seeing this through to the end results. I keep telling myself, “Even if it doesn’t all go as planned, keep going because every little bit helps.” I also realized today that I planned to lose 100lbs. but didn’t weigh myself so I probably should do that soon. I don’t know if our scales work or not. I am scared to look. My fear is that what I thought was 375lbs. would be 400+lbs. so I probably don’t want to know anyway.

I did increase my evening laps in the hallway to 3 laps. I only did 2 this morning but hopefully I will be able to keep going with increasing daily. Bonus, I don’t feel real sore anywhere, even after exercising more the past few days. It may seem insignificant and it may not make a huge difference but for someone that is on the verge of being in a wheelchair or confined to home it is a necessary step. I don’t want to risk injuring myself, and I don’t want to hurt so bad I don’t want to continue so I believe this pace is good for me for now.

No headache today, but I am feeling that cold getting stronger. I have also realized that my acid reflux isn’t any better without the Pepsi. I really thought that the Pepsi was increasing the acid and making it worse. I am still experiencing the heartburn and feeling a bit irritable but otherwise feeling good. I also noticed a boost of energy today. Some of that could have to do with other positive events in my life but regardless, tonight I feel good.

Day Two January 2, 2017

Yesterday, I made the plan and I began reducing the Pepsi. I only had two glasses, one in the morning, and one in the evening. I ended up with a debilitating headache and discovered I was feeling very annoyed by the people around me. I kept my temper at bay but I was very irritated. I decided maybe it would be best to take it slower on reducing the Pepsi. I will stick with 3 glasses per day.

Today, I started the morning with the water I had left from last night and followed it with a glass of Pepsi. I made it a point to eat a little cereal this morning and drink water after my Pepsi was finished. I slowly walked one lap (one trip down and one trip back) in my hallway. It didn’t hurt too bad so I decided to give another lap a try. I did two laps and have decided that if I can do that once in the morning and once in the evening each day that would increase my exercise which may lend to my weight loss. I did manage to start a list of groceries to pick up from the store that includes things I make several meals from and things that are healthy for snacking, just in case I feel the urge.

I did notice that today everything that I can taste salt more today than I have before. I was going to eat some chips and they were so salty that I decided I didn’t really want them. I feel like I am starving and I am craving salt. I am not really craving sugar but did manage to stick with one glass of Pepsi in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one in the evening. I really thought that I would be craving sugar. Craving salt seems strange but then again, the sodium content in the Pepsi is high. Maybe that is why the same chips I was trying to eat this evening tasted so salty and a few days ago, the salt in those chips didn’t bother me at all. I still have a headache but it may be my sinuses. I think I feel a cold coming on. That completes my report for today.

Day One January 1, 2017

It is my belief that a goal is like hope. If I set a goal and get discouraged, I often give up and never reach the goal. It is difficult to keep faith when times get hard and when the goal is challenging it may have setbacks that cause me to doubt not only the process but myself, as well. I also believe that if I decide to do something and have a step by step plan, I strive harder to take the necessary steps to fulfill that plan. Therefore, I have decided that I need to design a step by step plan to have a “Higher Quality of Life.” I am sure this will change a bit as time passes but I am alright with that and even look forward to developing a new lifestyle along the way.

Objectives

1: Lose 100lbs. by December 31, 2017
2: Walk continuously for 30 minutes without being completely out of breath or having to sit down by December 31, 2017

Plans

1: Lose 100lbs. by December 31, 2017

A)Increase veggies, fruits, water
B)3 meals per day instead of one
C)Earlier in the evening
D)Smaller portions
E)Reduce Pepsi intake to 3 glasses per day

2: Walk continuously for 30 minutes without being completely out of breath or having to sit down by December 31, 2017.

A)Walk laps in the hallway
B)Gradually increase number of laps
C)Start slow and speed up as laps increase
D)Gradually work toward walking elsewhere

So, there it is, that is the plan that I have decided would work best for me. I must be realistic about not only the objectives but the steps, as well. I know that I will get discouraged and frustrated if I don’t see results. I need to make it clear that I am not doing this to look better. This is to feel physically better. If I lose the weight that will decrease the pressure on my back, hips, knees, and feet. It is my plan to be able to walk better and longer. After all, the plan is a “Higher Quality of Life.”

For the past 15 years, I have gradually seen a decline in my ability to stand and walk. I tried going to doctors but most of them blame everything on smoking and my weight. I admit that I am obese but it hurts my knees to exercise. I wanted to do water exercises but hate going out in public, it triggers my anxiety. I was diagnosed Bipolar with Agoraphobia and Severe Anxiety with Panic Disorder in 2001. Going to the public pool really isn’t an option, especially since I also struggle with self-esteem issues. That doesn’t even include the fact that it costs money to get into the public pool and financially I cannot afford the extra expense.

In 2005 I was declared disabled for the Agoraphobia, my physical limitations, and Arthritis in my knees and spine. It was 3 years ago, that I asked a doctor to give me a disability placard for my car so I could park closer and reduce the pain of walking long distances, and was denied. I am now unable to walk to my bathroom or bedroom from my kitchen without hurting so bad that some days I end up in tears. The doctor said she denied me the disability placard to “preserve my quality of life” and she referred me to physical therapy and aqua therapy to help me lose weight. My insurance would only cover 12 physical therapy sessions and 12 aqua therapy sessions in my lifetime and if I missed two appointments for either one they would not pay for any further sessions. It was late in the year, starting to get cold and the walking after the physical therapy was difficult. I managed to make nearly every appointment but saw no real results from the therapy except severe pain. The doctor recommended 800mg of Ibuprofen alternating every 4 hours with 500mg of Acetaminophen as needed for the pain. Of course, that didn’t help at all and I quickly discovered that those medications upset my stomach.

The hardest part of being limited physically is missing out on everything. I miss out on my children’s school concerts, award ceremonies, and graduations. It is heartbreaking and makes me feel like a horrible parent. In the meantime, my weight has become even more of an issue. I always ate reasonably healthy but the weight and depression keep growing. “Quality of Life,” what does that mean? I don’t feel like I have a “Quality Life” the way things are and I believe I can complete these objectives and hopefully achieve results. I would like to be able to go into the school, stand in line to be seated, and fit into one of the auditorium seats to see my daughter perform in a choir concert. She is my youngest child and I have already missed out on so much with the other 3 children.

It is my intention to journal throughout this process. I don’t expect any of this to be easy or as simple as it sounds when I read it back to myself, but I do hope this plan works. The journaling will help keep me on track and show me some results, even if they are not positive results. If I only lose half the weight at least I will have seen some results. I believe that if I know what does or does not work, I can adjust the plan. I also believe that every little step is a giant accomplishment for someone that was losing faith in everything. I know my weight only increases the pain so reducing my weight should help reduce the pain. That alone would be miraculous and give me hope that one day I really will live a “Higher Quality of Life.”