Starting Over

Since January 18th, 2017, a lot has happened. I thought that I was on a path to better health and a happy life but my life took some turns. I had no idea when I began this journey that I would later find out that over half of my life I have been living in a world of lies. These lies were gradually revealed to me in the recent months. I always believed in forgiveness and that love could conquer anything but I know now that the truth in my life is that the love was a lie. My self-esteem was already low, now I am lost.

The past few months, I have been busy trying to make a living, manage a household, help my disabled daughter manage her life and apartment, rebuild my marriage, and be a friend to as many as I possibly could, and all the while maintain my faith. Funny, life has a way of yanking the rug from beneath your feet when you least expect it and this time I didn't just stumble, I fell.

So, as sad as my story may be, I am here to apologize to anyone that may have been reading for starting yet another thing that I didn't finish. I got so lost in my depression and trying to keep up with day to day living, that I stopped caring for me. I took care of the house, the bills, the kids, my husband, my work, my friends and everything I thought it was my responsibility to take care of, and now I know there was no point. I have discovered that I alone cannot fix what is broken in my home.

Today, I am starting over. I am not doing anything that doesn't fit me or my beliefs. I still intend to get healthy but I am no longer putting limits on myself. I am tired of being trapped in a world of limits, ultimatums, and lies. The truth is, nothing is what it seems and I cannot depend on anyone but me for my happiness. Love is not something I need from someone else, it is something I need to find in myself.

I won't promise to write each day because sometimes life gets in the way, but I will be writing about my journey and remembering that it is not only my physical self that needs healing. Instead, I will focus on my journey of mind, body, and spirit.

Day Eighteen Wednesday, January 18, 2017

I decided that I want to spice up my blog a little. It seems so boring to keep writing what I have done and what I have eaten. I cannot imagine doing that for another 11 1/2 months. I don't know what I will be adding but I am sure over time it will grow and change. Of course, I am still going to include what I have been doing and tracking my weight since that was the original point of this blog. I just feel like it needs to have something more.

I started the day off early and made it a point to hold off on my Pepsi for a little bit. I drank a little tea. I also had my morning dose of Apple Cider Vinegar followed by a glass of tap water. I didn't feel hungry this morning so I didn't eat any breakfast. I did a little writing and then had my 12oz. can of Pepsi. After writing for a little while I went downstairs and sat with my mom in the garage. I didn't stay down there very long because my dog cannot stand for me to be out of his sight. He kept barking and since my husband had worked all night I didn't want the dog to keep him awake. I was feeling so tired that I went back to bed at 9:30am and slept until 11:00am. I still felt tired but since I had appointments I had to get up.

For lunch, I started with my dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and a bottle of spring water. Then, I had pan seared pork chops and seasoned green beans.

I took a nap in the recliner again this afternoon. I don't know why I am feeling so sleepy today. I thought if I had another Pepsi that it would help wake me up but it didn't work. I just feel exhausted. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and it wasn't real cold. I even spent a little time out on my patio. On top of feeling tired, my knees and back are hurting today. I am sure it means we have some rain coming soon. I always feel this way when the weather gets wonky. I didn't do any laps in the hallway today but since I am already hurting I thought it might be best to skip it for today.

I had my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar right before supper. Tonight I ate a bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup and 10 Club crackers. It was so good that I took a little extra broth after finishing my bowl of soup. The soup was made with chicken breast, carrots, onion, celery, broccoli, green pepper, rosemary, basil, garlic, smoked paprika, cayenne pepper, turmeric, dry mustard powder, chicken stock, and a touch of salt & pepper.

I did have another 12oz. can of Pepsi after supper. My hubby did replenish my spring water supply. I didn't drink as much water today but I spent a lot of time sleeping. I am hoping tomorrow I will feel better. I have several appointments. I am really hoping this sleepiness passes. I want to have enough energy to work on setting up my hubby's man cave and work-out space in the garage. It's nice to see him excited about working out in his space. I think I am going to head to bed early tonight in the hopes that I will feel more rested tomorrow. I do know my dreams the past two days have been very active and vivid, maybe that is why I am feeling so tired.

Day Seventeen Tuesday, January 17, 2017

It's hard to believe it is already the middle of January. I must admit I am looking forward to Spring. I love sitting out on my patio in the morning and listening to the birds sing, watching the squirrels and rabbits run through the yard, and seeing the flowers starting to bloom. It is amazing how life renews itself and constantly reminds us that there is always something new coming. It is supposed to be warmer tomorrow afternoon than it is today so maybe I can spend a little time outside.

This morning I started the day with a trip outside with the dog and a 12oz. can of Pepsi. My mom came upstairs, she said she wanted the fresh air and she was tired of being cooped up downstairs. I understand but I wasn't happy about her climbing the stairs. Our stairs are very steep. I don't want to see her push herself. I want her to take her time and heal. I pray she heals quickly because I don't want to see her suffer the pain but I really don't want her to risk any new or permanent damage. I chose not to eat breakfast today. I know I am supposed to be eating 3 times a day, at least, but I have a hard time with that since my schedule is so weird most of the time. Not to mention, I am just not hungry most mornings. I did get my morning dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and two bottles of spring water.

I had an appointment at noon. I was running a bit behind but that kept me busy until about 2pm today. After my appointment I had my second dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and finished another bottle of spring water. For lunch, I had a small bowl of split pea and lentil soup. I also enjoyed a serving spoon of fried potatoes seasoned with bacon, green pepper, scallions, salt, pepper, and Mrs. Dash. This wonderful meal would not have been complete without two of my daughters amazing cornbread muffins. I had tap water with lunch, definitely not my favorite. It always leaves a metal taste in my mouth. I don't like purified water either, it always leaves me feeling like I drank too much the night before and I have cotton-mouth. After lunch, I went downstairs for a little while to visit with my mother. I didn't want her climbing the stairs again and I know it must be hard to stay down there by herself all the time.

For the evening, my daughter made some sweet tea since I was out of spring water. Bless her heart, she helps me so much. She really is a great kid and so sensitive. I had a couple of glasses of tea throughout the evening but I wanted to avoid drinking too much tea since it was sweetened. I had my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar around 8pm. I had been busy with writing and some appointments so we opted to have a late supper. My oldest daughter, had a class to attend so she was going to be late and we figured it would be best to wait and eat together. We like to eat as a family. In fact, most of the time we eat as a family at the kitchen table. For supper, I had a serving of cottage cheese. I was still feeling pretty full from lunch. I really did eat too much during lunch.

I was feeling so full that I decided it would be a good idea to do a few laps in the hallway. I didn't know if I would be able to do my usual set of 4 down and back laps but I was determined to give it a shot. Since I haven't done them in a couple of days I was afraid that I might not be able to do them now. My oldest stood at the end of the hallway and talked to me the entire time I was pacing. It didn't phase her a bit that I was pacing. I think it is great that they don't even question what I am doing, they just act like it is the normal routine. After my walk, I did a bit more writing and then took the dog out again. Most of the time my girls take turns letting the dog out but I figure that any walking is helpful, even the short distance to the patio.

Around 10pm, I went downstairs to visit mom and do some weight lifting. I am really looking forward to getting that garage all set up so we can do some real workouts with the weights but for now I am limited to the chair anyway. I have started with light weights and plan to gradually lift more. For now I do two sets of 10 with 5lb. weights in several different positions. I know the weight is minimal but when you have barely done any physical exercise, you can feel it working. I definitely don't want to do too much and get frustrated or hurt myself. I know that would make me quit. Small steps, baby steps, are best for me to keep me on this path. So far, I feel I am okay with the way things are progressing. There are days that it is harder than other days but I don't want to rush any of this and I really want lasting results.

I decided to watch a little television after my workout and everyone was headed to bed. As usual, the snack attack hit midway through the movie so I had a few sour cream and onion potato chips. I think I had about 10 chips before I decided they were just too salty for me and opted to drink a 12oz can of Pepsi. At first, I thought that it was my third Pepsi for the day but then I realized by the number that we had left that I had only had one earlier in the day. Could it be that despite all the stresses of every day life, I am finally getting used to drinking more water and less Pepsi? I hope, I am not going to risk anything at this point. I definitely want to maintain the routine a while longer before I try to cut back again. Too much too fast could lead to failure. I have to keep reminding myself not to sabotage myself or the process.

Day Sixteen Monday, January 16, 2017

Today I started the day with exercise, a trip down and back up the stairs. It's crazy, I was sound asleep and thought I heard someone and a bunch of stuff fall down the stairs or in the basement. Instantly, I jumped up out of bed, got dressed and rushed to the stairs to check on my mom. When she didn't answer I was afraid she was hurt too bad to answer. I was so thankful when I got to the bottom of the stairs and she was sound asleep. I turned around and headed back of the stairs, something I could not have done a month ago. For me, that was an amazing thing. When I got back upstairs, I got my Pepsi, and took the dog outside to do his business. While I was sitting on the patio, enjoying my Pepsi and my cigarette, I realized that I had went down the stairs and back up with barely any effort, pure adrenaline. It's amazing what we can do when we aren't focused on the obstacles. I also realized that despite the fact that I physically hurt, when it comes to my family, I would do everything in my power to take care and protect them.

I didn't have breakfast, other than that 12oz. can of Pepsi, but I did take my morning dose of Apple Cider Vinegar. I ended up waiting for about an hour or so for my mother to be making a little noise in the basement before I went down to visit with her. I took a bottle of spring water down with me since I planned on staying down there for a little while. When I told her about coming down there I told her I was sorry for being so paranoid but at least she could know she was loved. I would imagine at this point she probably thinks I am totally crazy. I don't want to bother her but I worry about her being down there by herself and us not being able to hear her if she needs us. She has a phone but what if it is out of reach?

After my visit with my mother I drank another bottle of spring water and took another dose of Apple Cider Vinegar. I spent a little time writing and talking to my husband while he was making the burgers. For lunch, I had two small cheeseburgers with lettuce, tomato, and onion. I also had a small serving of cottage cheese seasoned with Mrs. Dash, which seems to be my latest favorite. My hubby made the burgers and I didn't want to hurt his feelings but two burgers was way too much for me and my plan. I drank spring water with my lunch.

After lunch, I went back down to the basement to spend some time with my mom. I didn't stay down there very long, I figured my mom might need a little rest and I should spend a little time with my husband before he had to go to work. After my hubby went to work I decided I needed to take a little nap in the recliner, since I planned it, I didn't get to sleep at all. I was a little irritable throughout the day due to some financial stresses and other family problems so I decided this was going to be a 3 day, meaning today I was having my 3 12oz. cans of Pepsi that I had allowed myself. I don't really know what triggered me to feel the need for the extra Pepsi, I have been doing well to only drink 2 a day. I ended up back downstairs with my mom after trying to rest unsuccessfully for 2 hours. Fortunately, my mom was able to rest a little during that time.


For supper, I had a bowl of ramen noodles and a bottle of spring water. I have been drinking a lot of water. I hadn't really thought about the amount of liquid I take in every day but it is very noticeable when I am writing about it. I have also realized that I am learning a lot about myself and my self-esteem issues while working to meet these objectives. After supper, I went down to spend time with my mom again and this time my youngest daughter joined us. While we were down there I decided to work out with the weights a little. I just worked on my arms a little. It wasn't an official exercise session but I feel it is a good place to start. I would like to continue to work that in a little at a time as I progress. After my exercise session, I decided to have that third 12oz can of Pepsi and a few chips while watching television. I made it a point to only have one serving of chips. I cannot take the bag to the chair or I will eat without thinking and may end up with half the bag.

Day Fifteen Sunday, January 15, 2017

Well, we finally got our ice storm and it really wasn't bad. We were blessed to just catch the edge of the storm so I am thankful. I started the morning off with my usual 12oz. can of Pepsi but I when I finished it I still felt like I wanted I a Pepsi. I also started the morning with a headache. After drinking my pop, I took my dose of Apple Cider Vinegar and headed to the garage to smoke with my mother. I definitely did not want her climbing those stairs today but I also didn't want her to feel secluded. It's hard to believe it has been almost a year since Grandma passed and mom came to live in the basement.

Around 2pm I took my second dose of Apple Cider Vinegar right before lunch. I had a small pan seared pork chop, a small spoonful of chicken flavored rice topped with broccoli in cream of chicken soup and a 1/2 cup serving of cottage cheese with seasoning on top. I had spring water with lunch and about 3oz of Cherry Pepsi right after lunch in the hopes it would help with my headache and the craving for more Pepsi. I don't know why it was so bad today. Having the Cherry Pepsi did seem to help the headache and ease the craving a little.

I decided to make my "poor mans soup" for supper. This soup was made with a left over pork chop cut into small pieces, split peas, lentils, barley, a little bacon grease, diced celery, a small onion, diced carrots, minced garlic, diced broccoli, rosemary, basil, dill, turmeric, mustard seed, cayenne pepper, smoked salt, smoked paprika, black pepper, chicken stock, and about 2Tbsp. of butter. It looks really nasty but it tastes really good. We decided that next time we make it we will have to make some corn bread too. After prepping all of the vegetables and getting the soup put on the stove I went back down to the garage to spend some time with my mom. While I was down there I found a few things in the garage I had been looking for but couldn't find over the last year.

Supper was ready around 6pm and I took my third dose of Apple Cider Vinegar just before dishing up the bowls. I had one bowl and 7 saltine crackers. For some reason I had it in my head that 7 of them was a serving but I later discovered that 5 was a serving so I had a little more than a serving. I don't feel that the crackers are going to hurt my progress much. However, after supper, my hubby and my youngest went to McDonald's and brought back dessert. I had a small ice cream sundae and I have to admit it was really yummy. We all gathered in the garage with our dessert so we could eat with my mom. It's funny, since we have lived in this house I don't think we have ever spent this much time in the basement and we never thought we would gather in the garage for dessert.

After dessert, we spent some extra time playing around with my hubby's weight set. He was trying to teach me the proper way to use the hand weights to build muscle in my arms, etc. It was funny because when he was doing curls, he made it look so easy. Then, he handed them to me and I couldn't hardly pick them up. My youngest daughter was able to lift them fairly easily. I can't believe how much she has grown. It is nice to see all of the family coming together and working toward a healthier lifestyle. I have to admit, that is one of my biggest motivators to continue.

After our time in the basement, I sat down in the recliner and crashed. I didn't even know I was tired but maybe it was all the stair climbing I have been doing. When I woke up I got a 12oz can of Pepsi and headed to the basement for one last time for the evening. Again, we spent time playing with the weights. My mom even did a little lifting, as well. To be perfectly honest, it wasn't my usual workout or diet plan but it sure was a wonderful day.